Dear Adam Powers:
I have made a decision. It is an important one. I have decided that I will coerce Val Kilmer, circa 1988 Willow-style into reproducing with me, and I will ensure that the spawn is female. I want to dress the little shit in clothes like Cindel Towani’s from Ewoks: Battle for Endor.
Wouldn’t that be awesome? And I’m gonna deposit her in the woods and make her repair star cruisers to earn her dinner. And if she misbehaves, she’ll end up here. . .
. . .in the bottom of an oubliette with pictures of Charal posted up to scare the bejesus out of her. So, okay. We all know that Wilford Brimley the Oatmeal Man was in Battle for Endor, but did you guys know that the dude who played Wicket, the Ewok in the second picture, is Warwick Davis who played the lead in Willow? Or were you too wrapped up in trying to devise a plan to dispose of Meegosh so you could free a young, sweaty, haggard, and still drop-dead gorgeous Val Kilmer from his floating bird cage yourself?
I know I was. So, the only problem is this. Val Kilmer was on the beach one time lately, see? And this is what he decided was an appropriate outfit:
So I’m not too sure the kid’s gonna come out cute. And all I’ve got at my real-life disposal is a bevy of able-bodied, fertile, beautiful boys who hate children. And come to think of it, I don’t love them either. The children. So I think I’m shit out of luck.
It is difficult to locate viable options when the most exciting thing in your life (next to identifying new Rock Band downloads every Tuesday) is the prospect of starting a Settlers of Catan tournament night as soon as we locate a fourth player who will be willing to sit at a kitchen table amidst thousands of cigarette butts and empty High Life bottles and say things like, “I have Wood for your Sheep, give me a Development Card, The Longest Army Plaque, two Roads, and a City, and maybe one more piece of carrot cake.”
Anyway, let me know when you’re free. I’d love to see you again. That would be swell, and my life would be back in proper order for the most part.
And once Val Kilmer jumps on a treadmill and grows his hair out, everything will be picture perfect.