The Vegan Man-whore, or, What’s the Diff?

Dear Billy,

One of my three jobs is at a local family-owned hipster burrito shop with a varied clientele.  We get people of all kinds, hippies, businessmen, thugs, Anarchists (!!!), rich undergrads, starving grad students, housewives, local politicians and townies.  The staff is comprised of 30-something bartenders-by-night, 20-something tattooed metalheads, and a group of dishwashers and prep/grill cooks who are actually all from Mexico.  When we use the phrase “the Mexicans,” we’re not being as racist as you when you do it.

We share one common trait:  we are all fascinated by the way our customers’ minds work.  Our little burrito shop is incredibly fast-moving and non-multitaskers need not apply.

Bear with me for the next paragraph.  It is important.

The way the ordering process works is a customer will come up to a line resembling a Subway, but more beautiful, with fresh, lovely food.  It is NOT a buffet.  It is NOT a cafeteria.  The customer picks a “filling” which can be beef, chicken, veggies, tofu, etc. and then decides if they want to put that filling into a burrito, tacos, a quesadilla, nachos, or a tostada.  If they pick burrito, they get to choose between “Regular” (filling+beans+lettuce+cheese+salsa) or “Mejor” (everything in the regular+sour cream+guacamole).  After ordering from the line cook, who begins making the food immediately, the customer walks down the line to me at the register, where they order their drinks and salsas and pay for their meal.  They sit down and the line cook brings them their food, and they’re in and out in twenty minutes.  It’s a very fast process and we think it maybe intimidates some people or at least freaks them out to the point that they can no longer be a real person when trying to order.

Every time someone says something, um, memorable to us, we write it down on a Guest Check and tape it up behind the line.  I have stolen all of our Guest Checks and hand-picked the best to list here for you.  The content is below, with my explanations/comments in italics. Any time I use a real name, it’s the employee speaking.

I’m writing this to you because I think you’ll like them.  Here goes.

1:

Customer: Could I get a Mejor burrito with beef?
Matt: Sure.  Black or pinto beans?
Customer: I can’t get any meat?
Matt: Well you said beef right?
Customer: Yeah. . .so I can have beans too?
Matt: It’s on the menu as part of the Mejor.  Black or pinto?
Customer: Pintater. . .oh, I mean pinto.

What the fuck is a pintater?

2:
Customer: So the burrito comes with black or pinto beans?
Matt: Yep.
Customer: Well I don’t want either one.
Matt: Okay.  Would you like rice instead?
Customer: No, I want chili.
Matt: That’s not on the menu.  We don’t have chili.
Customer (indignantly): So what the hell do you put on your nachos then?
Matt: Cheese, beans, salsa, jalapenos and sour cream.  Like it says on the menu.
Customer: Well if you put beans on nachos I want beans then.

3:
One of our most popular fillings is sweet potatoes.  We peel, boil, and mash the sweet    potatoes and mix them with caramelized onions.  Some people apparently just don’t understand the vegetable kingdom, such as the woman who exasperatedly asked:

Do you guys sell UNsweet potatoes?

No ma’am.  And we don’t put sugar in our sweet ones either.
4:
Carrboro being the granola town that it is, we have a very large number of Proud Vegan customers.  We also have a VERY large selection of vegan fillings and ingredients.  All of our salsas are vegan except the Chipotle, which has a small amount of cocoa butter in it.  So when this happens, almost on a weekly basis. . .

Customer: I’m Vegan.  I’d like a regular burrito with Vegan vegetables and Vegan rice.  Because I am Vegan.  And I need a good Vegan salsa. . .hmmm. . .howzabout Chipotle!
Me: I’m sorry, but Chipotle isn’t entirely Vegan; it has a small amount of  butter.
Customer (thinks a bit): Oh, well I’ll take it anyway.  I’ve been eating it for years, why stop now?!

. . .I equate that to a vegetarian saying, “Oh, I’m a vegetarian, but I’ll have your soup because it’s only made with a *small amount* of chicken stock!  It’ll be fine!”

5:
Customer: Hey, can you toast the inside of the burrito for me?  Just the inside.

6:
Matt: Would you like a large or small side of chips?
Customer: What’s the diff, bro?

7:
Customer: Do I order before paying?

No, sir.  We have a psychic on staff who communicates your order to us in Morse Code from a remote location before you even get out of your electric car with the COEXIST sticker on it.  We got it.

8:
Customer: Do you guys have a shrimp burrito?
Julion: No but we have a really good fish burrito.
Customer: Ugh, no, thanks.  I don’t want any seafood.

9:
Customer: So, the tostada, is that. . .um, is that like a salad?
Matt: Yep.
Customer: Okay, and the tacos. . .are those just like. . .are they like tacos?

10:
Me: Would you like anything to drink with that?
(Every Other) Customer: No, nothing to drink, but I’d LOVE some water!

11:
It is 4:30 pm.
Phone: *riiiiing*
Me: Hola, Carrburritos!
Customer: Hi what time are you open til today?
Me: 10 o’clock.
Customer: Is that AM or PM?
Me: Uh, PM.
Customer: Okay great.  Do y’all have patty melts?
Me. No.  We sell burritos.  You. . .called Carrburritos.
Customer: Okay great!  Can I make a delivery order?
Me: No ma’am.  We don’t deliver.
Customer: Awesome!  See you tonight at 10pm!

We locked the doors at 9:55 that night.  PM, that is.

12:
James: Do you want any salsa with that?
Customer: What’s “salsa?”

13:
Customer: Hi, I’m Vegan.  Can I have a chicken tostada with no cheese or sour cream?
Matt: Oh, our chicken’s not ve-. . .never mind.  Do you want rice instead of dairy?
Customer: What’s “dairy?”

14:
Matt: A Regular comes with beans, lettuce, cheese, and salsa.  A Mejor comes with all that plus guac and sour cream.
Elderly Female Customer: Oh, well, I’m gonna need a Man-Whore.

Almost, grandma.  But it’s pronounced, “may-whore.”

15:
Matt: Welcome to Carrburritos.  What can I get you?
Customer: Hey, do y’all sell anything that’s like, um, like a wrap with chicken in it?  Like a wrap?

16:
And now for my personal favorite.  Brace yourself.

Matt: Would you like salsa today, ma’am?  Here’s the list.  Fresca is mild and they get hotter as they go down.
(Another) Elderly, Octogenarian Female Customer: The Fresca, definitely the Fresca.  I know, I’m a pussy.  Actually, my vagina is a pussy. . .

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Hope you enjoyed that.  I know it was long, but it was worth it, right?  I’ll post more as we get them.  There’s really no source shortage.

Love,
Mandey.

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3 Comments

Filed under batshit morons/why the weird?, Carrburritos, Customer Service Nightmares, food, humor, life

3 responses to “The Vegan Man-whore, or, What’s the Diff?

  1. I haven’t laughed this hard for a really long time. Thank you oh so much! I am glad you are back doing what you really do best. Well, maybe you can do something better, but I’d like to see it. Because that would be amazing.

  2. Customers: the reason multi-state killing sprees exist.

    Vegan Customers: the reason multi-state killing sprees should be legal.

  3. Jordan P

    This was fantastic. I’ve come into carrburritos maybe 3 times in the past 6 years I’ve lived here, but I can already picture all these being said.

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