Fuck a Sears.

Dear Billy:

I am boycotting Sears.  I was wondering if you’d like to help.

See, yesterday, Lackey and I went to Sears in search of the following things:

One (1) ShopVac

Apparently not available at Sears.

One (1) Record Player with USB port

This one would have been nice.

Two (2) Circuitbuilding breadboard

This is a breadboard.

We walk into Sears and I ask “Trellis” at the Customer Service Desk if they have record players.  “I dunno,” she says.


We walk over to the CD Players to a lanky teenager with a Sears nametag and things like Halo on his mind.  His nametag says “Winter.”

“Do you guys have record players?”  He just stares at me.  “I don’t really know,” he says.

How do you *not really know* if you have record players? Do you or do you not have record players?  We walk away.

We spy the tool section, and By Jove, it is glorious.  Walls and walls of miter saws, bench sanders, cordless lithium drills, acetylene tanks, concrete bits, and not a single fucking ShopVac in sight.

Also not in sight?  A single goddamn Sears employee.  So I start yelling loudly.


No response except now some Mexican dudes are staring at me and Lackey’s kind of laughing nervously.

So we wander over to the Tool Department Check-Out and there are four employees standing there doing zero things.  One of them comes up to us and says hello, do we need any help?

“Yes, um,” (I look at his nametag), “Danish!”  (Danish?) “We need a circuit building board and a ShopVac!”

Danish hesitates.  “A circuitbuilding board?”

“Yeah, they’re called ‘breadboards,'” Lackey offers.  Danish is stumped, so he turns to a fifty-something dude with a Sears nametag who is fucking around on the employee computer.

“John, do we have breadboards?”

John looks at Danish disdainfully, then sizes us up and decides we’re not going to help his commission before saying, “I’m off the clock.  I was supposed to leave an hour ago.”

Wait.  WHAT?  You mean to tell me we waded through Trellises, Winters, and Danishes to finally reach a John who turns out to be a load his mother should have swallowed?

This cold response does not deter Lackey, who says, “Well can you just answer yes or no if you have breadboards?”

John rolls his eyes and says, “Try kitchen appliances.”  And with that, he walks away.

Wow.  Well maybe Danish can help us with the ShopVac?  But when I turn to Danish, he’s helping a family of five pick out a reciprocating saw.

Okay, this is the point where I channel my mother and turn to yet another retard with a Sears tag on and say, “That guy John?  Sort of an ASSHOLE, huh?”

Weslya” (it’s a WHITE DUDE who sounds like he’s named after a lesbian community college) tells me that’s a strong word to use in the delicate Tool department.  I concur without apology, and begin to complain about John’s attitude.  Weslya explains that John technically could not answer my question because since he was off the clock, it would be a liability for Sears.

“THEN TELL HIM TO GO THE FUCK HOME!”  I say, maybe too loudly.  The Reciprocating Saw family glances up as one.  I do not care.  Weslya asks if I need help.  I tell him it is too late.

On our way out, I stop again at the Customer Service Desk and ask Trellis if she’s got any customer comment forms.  She heaves her massive bosom over to the counter and leans across it so she can rest from the effort she put out for the two-foot trip in her shitty rolling chair and says, “Oh no, we don’t do dat.  You got ta go online.  Oh, gimme a sec and I’ll write the website down for you.”

“IS IT SEARS.COM FOR FUCK’S SAKE?  I think I can handle it, thanks,” I say over my shoulder on my way out.

Fuck a Sears, dude.  Like I said, I’m boycotting.  You in?

Love Always,
Mandey, Danish, Winter, Trellis, Weslya, and boring old John.



Filed under batshit morons/why the weird?, Customer Service Nightmares, humor, life, random

9 responses to “Fuck a Sears.

  1. I’m in.

    When are coming to visit??? I’m waiting.

  2. Laurie

    I can’t remember if I ever went shopping with you, but if I did, I’m glad I don’t anymore.

  3. Count me in on the Sears boycott. I’ve been geting ready for it by not going to Sears in over three years, which will help in steeling my resolve should I suffer from any withdrawal symptoms.

  4. Billy: as soon as i am rich

    Laurie: wait till may. . .i will take you to a Sears so you can watch me work my magic

    Michael: i’m going to check your blog every day for a Sears comic. . .it’s just so much opportunity for ridicule wrapped up in one sweet little gigantic sprawling corporate department chain

  5. Aha! Now there’s an idea (just when I thought I ran out).

  6. Though I don’t think it completely captures the broken business model that they suffer from, this is a good hack nonetheless, http://unemployeddad.com/?p=638

    Thanks for “muse-ing” this idea out!

  7. I went to self hosting using wordpress.org which allows you to implement google adsense and other affiliate marketing stuff if you choose. Not because I am a sellout, because I am a capitalist.

    I usually get crap “Lose weight” type ads for the most part, but legit looking graphically appealing banner ads on my “About page”.

    Today’s ad was a banner ad for Sears!

  8. Why does it surprise you? All big companies that are unionized, pay employees for sitting on their a$$ and doing hardly anything. You sound like a guy who takes no sh*t when you’re being given the run-around. Next time try Home Depot or Lowes. Count me in.

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