Alpenstock Barack

Dear Asshole who hit me with an Obama Pole:

An hour ago I was at Le Cafe drinking some coffee between jobs.  You walked in brandishing a wooden stick to which you had affixed red and blue plastic plates spelling out the word “OBAMA.” You asked me if I had voted for Obama yet and I said it was none of your beeswax.  The second time you asked me, I told you I wasn’t going to vote.  The third time you approached me, I told you to fuck off.  You said you felt sorry for me.

O RLY?  Yeah, ass.  I feel sorry for me too.  All I wanted to do was come in here and drink some damn coffee before my second job but no, I have to tell skinny kids with a blind agenda where they can shove their ten-foot-tall Obama wavy-pole.  Last week you were an “Anarchist,” remember?  I feel sorry for me too, buddy.

On your way out of the café, after you had harassed several other patrons, you “accidentally” swung your Obama Pole into my shoulder.  Then you walked out, pretending you hadn’t noticed.


The OLD Mandey, say, the Mandey I was this morning, would have beaten your sorry ass to a goddamn pulp right in the parking lot in the intersection of Main and Fuck You.  But the NEW Mandey packed up her things, walked in the rain to her assigned polling place, and wrote in Nader.

That’s right, I voted.  Not that it counted for shit.  But I’ve been voting Nader for years.

Look.  If you gave me a choice between:
A.    consuming draperies till I die
B.    being beaten to death by tiny plastic mallets
C.    neither

I would choose neither, until you wielded your stupid Giant Votey-Baton at me.  DO YOU GET IT???  I’m not ashamed of the fact that I wasn’t going to/barely didn’t vote.  A few of the recruiter weirdos around here have adopted me as their personal project.  There is one girl who stopped by Carrburritos every day just to ask me if I had voted yet.  I eventually had to tell her it was none of her business, to which she, of course, replied, “Oh but it is.”  Suck my balls.

Today at work I wore a sign on my shirt that said, “TALK TO ME ABOUT SALSA, NOT POLITICS.”

Two people asked me “What kind of salsa would Obama like?”  I told them he’d want to change the whole list.  They didn’t tip.

Bottom line?  I simply do not like either of the candidates.

If you want the truth, I suppose I’d want for McCain to win, then kick the bucket within the next year, in which case Palin will have to take over.  I would LOVE for Sarah Palin to be in charge.  Why?  Because Saturday Night Live would be SO FUCKING FUNNY for the next four years.

We’re doomed either way.  Now take your Barack Alpenstock and throw yourself in front of a Hope Truck.



1 Comment

Filed under humor, life, politics, random

One response to “Alpenstock Barack

  1. “You said you felt sorry for me.”

    Hmm. It’s all about connections. I was having lunch with my girlfriend when an Obama supporter said the same thing to us. Why? Because, at first, we asked him to leave us alone. We didn’t want to discuss politics, listen to him say he’d leave the country if his guy didn’t win, basically, we wanted to sit down for half an hour between one to-do and the next. eat and screw.

    But he just wouldn’t let well enough alone. He asked me if I’d voted and I said no. He started to say something but I rolled over him with,

    “But now I’m thinking about voting for McCain just so you get the fuck out of the country.”

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