Danger Cart

Dear Billy,

It’s me again. I know I’ve sort of been kind of a pest lately but I remembered something that I think you’d appreciate.

I used to work in a strip mall in Drrrty Durham. There was a Blockbuster and a Starbucks and a Kroger Grocery and a Souper Salads and a Rudino’s Pizza and a Kinko’s. I’m not gonna tell you which one of these I worked at.

There was this old couple I knew who would ride a golf cart together every single day down the strip mall sidewalk. They went suuuuper slow, holding hands, octogenarian lovers on four wheels open to the corporate sky. The husband had no intention of slowing down for anyone that got in his way. They would ride around all day, ride up, ride down, ride up, ride down the sidewalk, holding hands, looking straight ahead, never speaking, daring people to present themselves as obstacles.

Why’d they do this? I wondered. I had a few theories:

1. They are very very bored and old

2. They are very much in love and want the corporate working class to know it

3. She is an amnesiac or an Alzheimer’s patient and her husband is trying to trigger her memories of the good old days at the country club when she would ride around with him on this cart, his caddy for life

Where is devotion like this? I asked myself. So one day I followed them. I took my fifteen minute smoke break when I saw the cart rolling up and I hid behind the building and followed them from a safe distance. And off we went! Past Blockbuster with the movies they’ll never see! Past Hallmark with cards they can’t read thanks to astigmatism! Past Big Lots which they’ve never even heard of! Past Payless with the best prices on orthopedic kicks!

And then we ground to a halt in front of Kroger. Husband got out and Wifey stayed in the Danger Cart. He disappeared inside and I hid behind a large flowerpot, waiting. Six minutes later, he emerges with a six-pack of Budweiser. He gets back into the Danger Cart and drives behind the building. I’m still with them and they have not noticed.

He drinks all six beers in about five minutes. No lie.

He fires up the Danger Cart and they resume their strip mall terrorizing at .05 mph.

I go back to work, smiling at the thought of this 80 year old coot on a beer drunk, driving his senescent bride around in a battered golf cart with no regard for pedestrians, every single day without fail.

No one exists for them but one another.

Where is devotion like this? So yeah, that’s all there is to my story. My question for you, though, Billy, is this: Can YOU drink six Buds in five minutes? I think not. That dude was hardcore.

See ya,




Filed under adventure, life, relationships

5 responses to “Danger Cart

  1. That…..was…..awesome! But, no. Six is a tough number in five minutes. That’s a potential for a bad vurp. I hope when I get old I have someone who will let me drink and drive them around in a golf cart.
    Don’t say you are a pest. ’cause your not. ;)

  2. I had a similar fantasy regarding the extracurricular activities of my twilight years, but mine involved a dune buggy. I am sure I can make this work. I can’t do six beers in five minutes, but I can do four Jacks on the Rocks in thirty. I think that’s a good start. I’ll call you when I’m 82. Pick you up at seven. That’s a.m. And bring your cane.

  3. We can stop for dinner at 3pm!

  4. Leave your dignity at the door of the Denny’s, Darlin! I can’t keep food in my mouth when I eat NOW, so imagine what I’ll be like at 3pm, 2/7/2063!!! Wonder what mature name you’ll have dubbed yourself by then. As a side note, the above is a prime example of alliteration.

  5. That’s a lot of “D’s”! Two points for alliteration. One more for the spelling. Another for recognizing it.

    By then I’ll have to incorporate an “X” in my name. That’s the future!

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