Dear J Waves:
I am at Internationalist Books today, volunteering my ass off, and by this I mean I am iTunesing some Destroyer CDs and stalking around Myspace looking for pathetic people to make fun of.
I’m stuck on one right now. She’s 47 but looks 57. I can tell she’s been smoking for years. Her Myspace screenname is “I Wait. . .for. . .PasioN” (sic) and her pictures all consist of her, sitting at her dining room table, or her, standing in front of her sink (no dishwasher), or her, sitting in front of a Winger poster, or her, standing in front of her kitchen sink with her hands above her head and her breasts pushed out. All the shots are made to look candid but they are Epic Fails in this regard. There are two shots of her in front of her tarp-covered barbecue pit. They are identical. She is wearing the same thing and the timestamp is the same. Only the captions are different; one says “I lost 20 lbs since this was taken” and the other says, “This one i was heavier I lost 40 lb after this.!” I swear Waves, it’s the same picture.
There are also stock photos of beautiful scantily-clad models writhing around on the beach with their tongues in each other’s orifices. I can tell just by all the “FREE MYSPACE LAYOUTS!” graphics and spangly tribal designs and motivational memes posted all over her page that she was in a loveless, abusive marriage for years. I swear, her page is all wonky and warped with glitter and stars falling all over the place and little boxes that say stupid shit like, “YA EITHER LUV ME R HATE ME IM TOO STRONG TOO CARE” in bubbly pink animated font. And then, there it is, right there, hidden in the middle of the Mid-Life Crisis Post-Prom Decoration Wastebasket that is her “About Me” section. . .there it is.
“I have come out of a long relatonship where my huban did not treat me with the respect i desevred. i am now going thru divorce proceedings and i’m Not gonna just lay down, I am gonna fight! and All i want is a Man whowill love me dearly and apreciate me. I do not act my age i act younger and look younger. I will never surrender.” All sics are real.
And right below that is a Myspace Layout Site photo of a girls crotch and it’s covered in Skittles and the girl’s hand is reaching down to grab a Skittle. It says “Taste the Rainbow.” The font blinks.
She’s got tons of comments from mulleted four wheelin’ toofless dudes named “Edwin” and “Darryl” and shit like that. They’re posting things like pink bunnies waving, saying “Just hopped in to say HI!!!” and looped images of romance novel characters making out with the words, “Bringin’ Sexzy Bakk!”
It’s sort of making me sick to look at. And sad. Makes you wonder where you’ll be in twenty years. Unloved, overweight, bleached blond, and settling for less.
Miss you. Hope your show went well last night.