Fuck a Sears.

Dear Billy:

I have tried to call you multiple times but no dice.  Santa accidentally sent one of your presents to my haus and I would like to forward it to you but I have no address.  This is because I am careless and I have lost it.

What has been going on here?  Not much of shit.  I am boycotting Sears.  I was wondering if you’d like to help.

See, yesterday, Lackey and I went to Sears in search of the following things:

One (1) ShopVac
One (1) Record Player with USB port
Two (2) BreadBoards for building circuits

We walk into Sears and I ask “Trellis” at the Customer Service Desk if they have record players.  “I dunno,” she says.

Thanks.

We walk over to the CD Players and I spy a lanky teenager with a Sears nametag and things like Xbox on his mind.  His nametag says “Winter.”

“Do you guys have record players?”  He just stares at me.  “I don’t really know,” he says.

How do you “not really know” if you have record players? Do you or do you not have record players?  We walk away.

We spy the tool section, and By Jove, it is glorious.  Walls and walls of miter saws, bench sanders, cordless lithium drills, acetylene tanks, concrete bits, and not a single fucking ShopVac in sight.

Also not in sight?  A single goddamn Sears employee.  So I start yelling loudly.

“TOOLMAN!  SEARS TOOL DEPARTMENT LADY!?  TOOLS?  ANYBODY WORK IN TOOLS??”

No response except now some Mexican dudes are staring at me and Lackey’s kind of laughing and I think he may be a little embarrassed.

So we wander over to the Tool Department Check-Out and there are four employees standing there doing zero things.  One of them comes up to us and says hello, do we need any help?

“Yes, um,” (I look at his nametag), “Danish!”  (Danish?) “We need a circuit building board and a ShopVac!”

Danish hesitates.  “A circuitbuilding board?”

“Yeah, they’re called ‘breadboards,’” Lackey offers.  Danish is stumped, so he turns to a fifty-something dude with a Sears nametag who is fucking around on the employee computer.

“John, do we have breadboards?”

John looks at Danish disdainfully, then sizes us up and decides we’re not going to help his commission before saying, “I’m off the clock.  I was supposed to leave an hour ago.”

Wait.  WHAT?  You mean to tell me we waded through Trellises, Winters, and Danishes to finally reach a John who turns out to be a load his mother should have swallowed?

This cold response does not deter Lackey, however, and he says to John, “Well can you just answer yes or no if you have breadboards?”

John rolls his eyes and says, “Like you eat bread off of?  Try kitchen appliances.”  And with that, he walks away.

Wow.  Well maybe Danish can help us with the ShopVac?  But when I turn to Danish, he’s helping a family of five pick out a reciprocating saw.

Okay, this is the point where I channel my mother and turn to yet another retard with a Sears tag on and say, “That guy John?  Sort of an ASSHOLE, huh?”

“Weslya” (it’s a WHITE DUDE) tells me that’s a strong word to use in the delicate Tool department.  I concur without apology, and begin to complain about John’s “I’m off the clock” attitude.  Weslya explains that John technically could not answer my question because since he was off the clock, it would be a liability for Sears.

“THEN TELL HIM TO GO THE FUCK HOME!”  I say, maybe too loudly.  The Reciprocating Saw family glances up as one.  I do not care.  Weslya asks if I need help.  I tell him it is too late.

On our way out, I stop again at the Customer Service Desk and ask Trellis if she’s got any customer comment forms.  She heaves her massive bosom over to the counter and leans across it so she can rest from the two-foot walk and says, “Oh no, we don’t do dat.  You got ta go online.  Oh, gimme a sec and I’ll write the website down for you.”

“IS IT SEARS.COM FOR FUCK’S SAKE?  I think I can handle it, thanks,” I say over my shoulder on my way out.

Fuck a Sears, dude.  Like I said, I’m boycotting.  You in?

Love Always,
Mandey, Danish, Winter, Trellis, Weslya, and boring old John.

~ by socialpariah on December 30, 2008.