Search! Dump! Turn! Fold! Dreamboat!
Deeeearrrrr. . .oh, I dunno. Who’d care about this shit?
Dear, um, Lackey:
I’ve never written you a letter on here before. This is for two reasons, I suppose:
a. I’m not sure that you remember I exist when we’re not at work together, and
b. You have never read this blog, so you’re not going to get this information.
However, now that I think about it, no one I write letters to actually reads this blog, except for Billy, and, ironically, Billy is the only person I don’t know in real life. Is that ironic? I don’t know. Get Alanis on line 1, stat. No, I don’t think it’s ironic that I’ve never met, and may never meet, Billy. Unfortunate is more the word I’m looking for. That fact that you are 20 is also unfortunate, but that’s for another blog that cannot be written.
Anyway. I want to share five things that happened to me today. Here goes:
1. I noticed that the WordPress Search Terms used to find my blog today have reached an alarming level of weird. Here are, in no particular order, the words and phrases people have typed into the WordPress Search Box in order to be delivered straight to Dissension in the Souplines:
zoo beast
encephalitic
snake fuck
pictures of chop shops in kentucky
beast zoo
miserable old ladies
how to clean burned pie juice in oven
“air guitar” troubadour air conditioner
ghetto fabulous habit
loser words
Cool, huh? I thought so.
2. I got dumped by a guy I didn’t know I was dating. It was awesome. I haven’t been dumped in two years, which is the last time I had a boyfriend. You do the math. So should I be sad that I am alone now? Because I’m not. Becaaaaauuuuse. . .he was never my boyfriend. Bizarre!
3. I began Day One of Project Turnaround, my court-sanctioned drug rehab program. Lackey, I don’t DO drugs. I haven’t even SEEN pot in six months. My personality is fine without it. You may remember I was pulled over and had my car searched by a K9 unit, yes? Well, the puppy dog found a bag of moldy weed in my car. I had been riding around with this guy in JANUARY when he produced the bag of pot, and I told him to get rid of it. Well, he did. He got rid of it in the trash bag I keep in my car. I got arrested in front of my dad and slapped with this outpatient drug rehab shit in order to get it off my record. The program leader asked me what I thought I would take from the 6-month class. Would I stop doing drugs? Would I find Jesus? Would I swear off alcohol? I promise he asked me all these things. I told him that the lesson I would learn from Project Turnaround would be to clean my car out more often.
4. I folded two baskets of my own laundry and three baskets of my roommate’s laundry. Did I ever tell you that I LOVE folding other people’s laundry? I really, truly do.
5. I watched five episodes of The Office and decided that Jim is my dreamboy. I need one of him. Cute, preppy, clever, flippy-haired, a little repressed, and in possession of a doe-eyed, startled gaze with which he routinely breaks the fourth wall. Find me one. Tell him I will do his laundry and mow his grass.
I guess that’s all I have to say. Sorry this was sort of a boring letter. See you at work tomorrow, where all we will talk about is Iron Maiden and going to church together shitfaced.
Love,
That random girl who rings people up for burritos.
I like how you say “flippy hair”.
i love flippy hair. i am holding out for it. can you help me find this?
I have flippy hair. It gets me in trouble at work, though.
Oh great! One prereq down! And I know we’ve got the cute and clever thing goin’. What about the breaking the fourth wall thing? Do you do that? Like, if we’re at Denny’s and there’s Moons Over My Hammy falling out of my mouth like I promised, will you stare into the distance at the imaginary cameraman as if to say “This is the life I have chosen”? See, I don’t ask for much!!
People call me Jim at work. I hope it’s not because I am so sarcastic.
I would never judge you for Moons Over My Hammy falling out of your mouth.
Oh thank you! Maybe when you’re 80 something, instead of incorporating an X in your name, you can just go by Jimbilly. Has a cute hick ring to it. And I like how we commandeer my comments section like this. And yours too I guess. My bassist is following it. He asked how you were doing yesterday. It’s to the point where we have a presence. A sub-story if you will. Troll rules!
I’m always impressed with bass players. It’s the instument no talent teenagers pick up to just “be” in a band. But really, the bass is the hardest instument to play well. I believe that is the soul of the band. Cliff Burton rules!
Well damn. I was trying to look on his blog (All Of The Above) for pictures of his bass because he’s got a bunch of pics on there of us playing live but no dice. His bass is pretty. And he can play the shit out of it. Easily one of the best bassists I know.